This essay consists of a fragmental process and collection of different theories and inspirational hangups from different academics, artists and my own thoughts and memories from my childhood. The essay also consists of my own poetry and collection of words I have found describing for my own practice. My ambition is to understand why I have always been a sculptor. The research is mainly about my own relationship to Cathrene Malabous writing about destructive plasticity and how it's connected to the brain. What happens to a body and mind when you've been traumatized? And how do I connect that knowledge with my own artistic practice? The research also touches on questions relevant to our historical and contemporary society to think about when it comes to solutions for how to cure the image we have of bodies that suffer from mental illness.